happiness, hit her like a train on a track

One of my final OBGYN appointments is tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping it will be the final one. I've been feeling very anxious lately and hoping they can make a final decision tomorrow. I originally wanted to go into labour spontaneously but now I'm just concerned that the baby is here and healthy. So if they mention induction then I will be all over that. Every time I go to one of these things and have an NST (non-stress test) the baby doesn't seem to want to move around for them and the fetal heart rate dips to the lower end. Then they end up sending me across the street to Mt. Sinai where they hook me up to the NST again for a couple hours and then, after they see things are ok, they ultimately send me home to wait it out. Damn this fucking atenolol!! If I didn't have to be on it for the arrhythmia I would be off of it in a heart beat (mind the pun). But it is one of those necessary things that will be with me for the rest of my life. Its just times like these where it gets trying. And the worrying that you are making the best decision for your unborn baby. I really hope this kid gets off easier than Gavin and doesn't have be cursed with his/hers mother's bad genetics.

So I've been distracting myself in my free time with this stupid blog and probably annoying the shit out of anyone actually reading this thing. So maybe instead of completely venting this time I'll take the positive approach. Take stock of the wonderful things in my life and what makes me happy. In some particular order...

1. My incredibly patient and loving husband. You are my prize fighter. I really hate to think of how my life would have been without you in it. I love our quiet little moments when its just me and you and a couple glasses of really good wine and some good conversation. You always have great things to say. I love you.

2. My beautiful little boy who has the personality of a rock star. How can so much spirit be wrapped up into such a small package? I've never known this kind of love for another human being until I had him. And like Donna likes to remind me, he will always be my first born and my little boy. Even when he's 32 and has a family all his own.

3. The newest little addition to our fam. I can't wait to finally meet you in hopefully the next week or so?? We have been so busy from the moment we found out we were having you. Sometimes too busy to just sit still and take it all in.

4. My amazing friends and family who always seem to make time for me and are my lifeline. Especially this last month. Never stray too far away. I have a hard time asking for help. But I can always use it! And I love you all for being there.

5. My neighbourhood and my ultra sweet kinda kooky neighbours. I know they are gonna make the years ahead living on this street an exciting one. Even the winos outside of Lucky Dice make life interesting.

6. Marley, my extremely needy Golden Retriever, and his partner in crime, Moe (the cat).

7. The noise of the streetcar passing by from my bedroom window. I missed that sound.

8. The sweet Portuguese lady behind the counter at the Bakery on the corner.

9. Decorating my house and seeing it turn into a home before my eyes. Especially my kids rooms.

10. Daydreaming about being an old lady sitting out on the front porch in 40 years time.

11. Tipsy late night/early morn dancing in dark sticky bars where the DJ plays all my favourite tunes.

12. Platforms like this one that let me get everything OUT. Its good to get things out.